Snow White and the Angry Queen
By Renee Lishka
There’s a knock at the door. Snow White peeks from behind the curtain and sees an ugly old woman at the door. The woman has in her hand a basket of apples. She stops all her chores and heads for the dwarves bereau drawers upstairs. She remembered seeing Crabby stash a sharp dagger in his sock drawer. With much hope, perhaps he had forgotten to take it with him to the mining caves.
She hears another knock at the door downstairs.
“Hello!” She hears the old woman cackle.
“Shit!” Snow White grumbles to herself.
She pulls open the sock drawer and digs around for the dagger. She was in luck! Crabby, the not-so-happy dwarf, had left it. She quickly grabs the dagger and straps it around her waist and heads back down the stairs.
“What do you want?” Snow White shouts to the old lady.
“I’ve been traveling on a long journey and I’m tired and hungry. Could you spare an old woman the aching in her feet?”
Snow White looks puzzled. With hesitation she finally opens the door for the old woman.
“Thank you, my dear!” The old woman shuffles in past Snow White and sets the basket of apples on the table.
“If you’re so hungry, why don’t you just have one of your apples?” Snow White says.
“I smelled eggs!” The old woman snaps. “It made me more hungry and I thought I could get some eggs in exchange for apples.”
Snow White glares at the old woman, studying her voice, her expression, trying to detect an ulterior motive. Snow White wasn’t stupid. After everything she had been through with her step mother, almost being murdered and listening to how twisted the dwarves actually are, she wasn’t about to let bullshit slide past her.
“Actually, I just picked a bushel of apples the other day,” Snow White forces a smile, showing the old woman a basket full of apples. “So I’m good!”
“Not like these apples!”
“Believe me,” Snow White dismisses the old woman’s sales pitch as she continues her chores in the kitchen. “These apples are the best and I already used some to bake a pie.”
“You actually baked?” The old woman mumbles.
“I beg your pardon?” Said Snow White.
“Nothing, dear!” The old woman flashes a toothless smile.
Snow White mixes the diced apples in her bowl. The old woman picked up the shiniest apple of the bunch and held it up to Snow White’s face as if to entice her into wanting to take a bite. Snow White stops her mixing.
“If you bite into this apple, all your dreams will come true!”
“What dreams are those?” Snow White asks.
The old woman’s lip trembles and her eyes widen. Her words stammer.
“Th-the dr-dream of a handsome prince coming to rescue you, my dear!”
Snow White stops stirring and glares at the old woman.
“How do you know I’m waiting for a prince to come rescue me?”
Snow White can’t help but interrogate the “strange” woman. How would she know that unless she already knew who Snow White was?
“Isn’t that what all young ladies want?”
“Perhaps,” Snow White shrugged as she continues her work. “Or perhaps I would like to just not have to run and hide from my stepmother everytime she tries to send someone to murder me!”
The old woman drops the apple as Snow White sets down her bowl and draws her dagger from her sheath, holding it up to the old woman’s throat.
“Who sent you?” She demanded to know.
Before her very eyes, the old woman’s ugliness melted away and into the wicked queen.
“I knew it was you,” Snow White retorts. “Only you would wear that awful perfume!”
“How dare you!” The Queen replied. “That perfume cost me a fortune!”
“Why are you trying to kill me? Because of vanity?”
“Yes, damn it!” The Queen cries. “Do you know how it feels to be unattractive because of your twit little step daughter?”
Snow White pouts and shakes her head.
“I don’t know what you are talking about. I didn’t realize I was in some shallow beauty contest with my step mother. Have you ever thought that the reason people don’t think you’re attractive anymore is because you’re being a bitch half the time?”
The Queen slaps Snow White across the face.
“How dare you!” She hisses. “You don’t talk to me that way!”
“It’s the truth!” Snow White shouts. “I’ve heard plenty of men talk about how beautiful and eloquent you are. I know you’re beautiful and eloquent, but you gotta stop being so mean!”
The Queen raised her hand to hit Snow White again, but then she stops.
“Men think I’m eloquent?” The Queen’s face beams.
Snow White smiles and nods.
“Yes! And the guy you had sent to kill me had told me a while ago he was in love with you, but he didn’t want to overstep any ethical boundaries because he was afraid of pissing you off!”
“Hank is in love with me?”
The Queen’s face brightens. All of sudden she breaks down into tears and drops to the floor.
“I wish you had not told me that.”
“Why? What’s wrong now?”
“I just sentenced him to death because he lied to me about killing you!”
“Shit!” Snow White replies.
All of a sudden, there’s singing coming from the forest. The dwarves are marching their way back home.
“Wow, are they only working a half day today? It’s only noon!” Snow White says to herself as she peeks out the window.
The Queen sits, sobbing on the floor.
“When is Hank supposed to be executed?” Snow White asks.
“Tomorrow,” The Queen sobs.
“We still have time to stop it! We just need a horse!
With luck, the prince suddenly shows up at the dwarves cottage on his search for Snow White. He gallantly dismounts his horse when he sees Snow White come barging out of the cottage. He’s prepared to embrace her with open arms and an open heart.
“It’s you!” She says in relief. “Thank goodness!”
“Yes, I missed you too!” He said.
“We need to borrow your horse!”
His face completely melts into shock when he sees the queen step out of the cottage. He instantly draws his sword.
“What is she doing here?”
“Put your weapon down!” The Queen commands.
“We need your horse.” Snow White repeats.
The Queen storms past Snow White and to the Prince.
“I don’t have time for this!” The Queen huffs. “I have mastered sorcery, haven’t I?”
The Queen waves her hands up in the air and chants a magic spell that produces a cloud of smoke. The dwarfs finally arrive at the scene and are ready to go into battle with the Queen.
“Chill, you guys!” Snow White said.
“What do you think you’re doing?” MD asked. He’s the oldest and wisest of the dwarfs.
“Did you really expect me to stay here and be your housemaid for the rest of my life?”
“We did take you in and not kill you for trespassing.” Crabby grumbles.
After the Queen finishes her spell, a portal appears, lit up in green. Through the portal is the palace hall covered in cobblestone and illuminated by candles. Without saying a word, the Queen steps through the portal and it remains open.
“See ya!” Snow White says as she jumps through the portal.
The Queen runs through her palace and down to the dungeon where Hank, her assassin, is being held captive until the day of his execution. She quickly unlocks the door and enters his chamber.
“I thought you weren’t going to kill me until tomorrow,” he says.
The Queen doesn’t answer. Instead she releases him from his chains. Hank just sits there, cradling his sore wrists.
“You’re free to go!” The Queen says.
“Yes!” The Queen replied. “I am releasing you!”
“Because Snow White told me that you love me. Is it true?”
Hank flushes red and averts his gaze.
“Is it?” The Queen insists.
“She shouldn’t have told you that.” He said.
“Why? Is it a lie?”
There’s silence for a moment. Without uttering a single word, Hank reaches over and grabs the Queen by the cheek and kisses her softly on the lips. The Queen returns his kiss, embracing him in her arms and holding him close.
“You’re not angry with me for trying to execute you?”
Hank smiles devilishly.
“Your wickedness has always turned me on.”
“Is that so?” She replies. “Than how come you didn’t kill Snow White when I ordered you to?”
“I thought I’d give you two the opportunity to work things out. Give you a chance to cool off! Besides, she’s family. Why not try to get to know her?”
How can the Queen argue? Hank was right. Perhaps she should get to know Snow White better.
The Queen shrugs.
“You’re probably right.”
Hank and the Queen kissed once again.